Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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