Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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