The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
