okay pat passed out under dana's car
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
