His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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