why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
