Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
