2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
