Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
