so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
