Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
