I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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