My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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