i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Randomize
