I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
