I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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