Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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