nut hugger
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
