I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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