my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
