ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
