I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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