I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
