I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
