I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
