Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
