Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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