I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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