insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
