I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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