My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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