well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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