It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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