Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
