I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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