i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
