Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I think my moral compass just broke
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
