u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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