I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
