do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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