Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
