Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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