I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
