so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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