I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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