when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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