Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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