How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
