soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
