Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
